• Lt Cdr Bijay Nair (R)

My Heart Cries as a Father



My heart was pounding . My identity as a father was crying today ….infact it was wailing ….weeping….shouting….God….am turning atheist….


I woke up late today and could see I have missed my alarm and my Sunday run too . As a runner who is captive in lockdown it’s a pain, it’s a pain for all of us , forget the runner . When I see the world outside, the sufferings, I doubt the existence of God . I am not an atheist but I am sure turning to be one.


Being a Sunday morning , folks at home were still reeling on a forecast morning , by the way in lockdown , does it really matter , whether it’s a Sunday or a Monday or a Friday . My laptop on the study table kept staring at me as if inviting for a gentle touch and to start the war of the words on outlook , zoom or teams. I get in to my senses and ignore my laptop....well today is a deserved off day naa . After taking my thyroid pills for the day , its time to pour some black coffee , these days I am off sugar , so a black coffee does the booster for me . Hold on , I did polish few Gulab Jamuns yesterday night , watching a malayam movie Naayatu and washing a glass of crafted beer ordered from a brew. Am I really off sugar….well….hmm


I fix my cuppa of black coffee and assure myself , I will begin my day with positivity and decides that I will go for a short run or walk within the vicinity so that I breath fresh Sans mask. I could see the milk delivery boy and paper boy had accomplished their task for the day and I acknowledged them sans silence gratitude.


It’s a ritual for me to flip through the two newspaper which widens my knowledge with respect to the happenings .The headlines were a positive one about a village in Maharashtra Hiware Bazar becoming covid free and I went to read the leadership of the local sarpanch Padmashri Popatrao Pawar who helmed it. My mood rose with all the happy hormones congregating to assimilate all the positivity.


I flipped on to few more pages and then the news about the pandemic and the sufferings all over. Since these are the order of day when we pick up or watch any news medium these days and what more to expect. I wonder will there be a newspaper which will belt happy news.


As I read further, my heart broke , the picture I saw will haunt me for the rest of my life . The picture represented the helplessness of a father, the picture showed the pain of a brother, the picture reflected how we failed as a country, the picture represented who is to be held responsible.


How can the very friends and neighbours bar you from dignity , how can the society decide the final rites one deserve . How can a final mark of respect and rituals be denied to a young girl. In Hindu religion , on your last journey , you are entitled for 04 Shoulders , kehte hai naa chaar kandha. How can it be denied by a section of people , how can a family be barred from carrying the final remains of the little gal , who till a week ago was playing and roaming in the very same courtyard and the very same colony . She would exercise her liberty and move in to any house within the colony . She would have been a loved little gal. Then why she was barred from entering the colony one final time when she needed to be amongst her loved one for that final moment. They suspected death by corona…..


It was heartbreaking to see a father carrying the final remains of his 11 year daughter on his shoulder , he would have carried her umpteen times playing with her. A daughter is like a section of heart for the father ….hold on a daughter is the heart of the father. And today in his final moment of grief , his daughter was denied the final mark of respect . Father was seen carrying the little girl draped in white on his shoulder with her brother carrying the agni pot and walking ahead . Only 02 Person were there for her final journey her beloved father and her younger brother. Am sure the father would have died millions of death and trust me it would have been the most difficult walk of his life…..


As a father I am broke completely today …..as a proud fauji of my country till the last drop of my blood….today I ponder cant my country and the administrators give her the rights she deserved….life goes on…..yes the bloody life goes on….


To all the people , so called civilized bloody people ….karma repeats ….you will be barred too… may you all rot in hell….may you be bloody barred from all the things you deserve….


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